Many people believe that every person should seek a single soulmate, apart from whom they should need no one else. Many others believe that each person should have only one romantic partner, at least at one time. But others don’t think that a single individual can fulfill all of their relationship needs, and therefore they prefer having many partners.
Having many intimate relationships—whether romantic or sexual—with the full knowledge and consent of all persons involved is known as polyamory, or consensual nonmonogamy. Anybody can be polyamorous and have several relationships of any gender; it is typically not gender-specific.
At least one in five Americans has had a consensually nonmonogamous relationship at some point in their lives, and about one in 20 is in one right now. A growing body of research shows that partners in such relationships find their bonds to be just as satisfying and fulfilling as those of married people, and derive just as much happiness from them. But there are serious challenges as well: Polyamorous relationships demand openness, consent, trust, communication skills, clear boundaries, and mutual respect. Feelings of jealousy may arise, especially when a new partner joins the relationship, and debates over how to raise children can also disrupt connections.
What Is Polyamory?
Polyamory is distinct from other forms of open relationships, such as swinging—which involves couples having casual sex outside of the relationship, without any emotional attachment. It is often confused with polygamy, or being married to more than one person at the same time, but they are very different. Polygamy specifically involves marriage to multiple people of the opposite gender — most frequently, a man having multiple wives — while polyamory, although it often involves married partners, describes a wider range of relationships, both heterosexual and LBGT.
Due to the stigma that it often attracts, polyamory is often practiced privately and may be kept secret even from close friends and family. At least one in four polyamorous individuals have experienced discrimination, according to the non-profit organization Loving More.
How Does Polyamory Work?
While some polyamorous individuals have a primary relationship and occasionally hook up, the majority start secondary relationships with their primary partner’s permission, who they are typically married to or committed to. The original pair must decide on a number of conditions before inviting a second partner, including when to go on dates and what kind of intimacy is acceptable. Despite the difficulties, research indicates that polyamory has advantages that include more relationship commitment, more child care assistance, and higher levels of happiness.
The Benefits and Struggles of Polyamory
The reason why polyamorous relationships are not as common as others is not that people find them unappealing; interest in polyamory is in fact rising, and research on polyamorous partners finds them to be, on average, as least as satisfied with their relationships as others. But polyamorous relationships are highly challenging to construct and maintain. Simply finding a partner willing to enter a relationship with the same honesty and ground rules is difficult, especially in a culture that favors serial monogamy, and mismatched desire for polyamory also upends many partners, especially if one sees it as a lifestyle while the other perceives it as their sexual orientation. For this reason, communities arise in which those who are “poly” can meet, often initially online.
